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F*ck Off, Summer

Dear Summer, Get over yourself. You’re gone. We get it. It’s September and chilly again. Oooh, don’t we miss you so much already? No! Not this guy. Think about it, Summer. You come every year and everyone who lives above the Ohio River effectively loses their shit about it. “OHMUHGAH WARM WEATHER! WE CAN GO OUTSIDE! SHEILA GRAB THE OFF, WE’RE EATIN’ OUTSIDE TONIGHT!” But then when you get here, summer, you’re frankly a pain in the dick. Yeah, it’s nice for the first couple weeks, after we scrape ourselves, bruised and bloodied, out of the bottomless latrine of disappointment that is every spring, ever. Yipee! Swimming and running outside and softball and sno cones and indie music festivals and fireworks and voluptuous women washing cars in jean shorts and high heels bending ill-advisedly at the waist (they always bend at the waist, never the knees). It’s like going to […]