Many of us Regular Gays have been in this position. You and your boyfriend are having people over. Hooray! You have friends and a social life! But there’s a problem: You’re not fancy. Fuck!
What kind of drinks will you serve? What Trader Joe’s snacks will you hurriedly throw into bowls? Do we have a serving tray that we can stupidly frou-frou up? Is there a way to make the couch look less comfortable and more magazine-cover-y? Should we buy some French lanterns? Are French lanterns even a thing?
Let’s face it. People expect gay couples to be wealthy, fabulous, eerily similar-looking and have an immaculate home that they can entertain fabulously in. They expect martini glasses, thoroughly explored party themes such as “Gay Gatsby” or “lighthouses”, shoes off at the door, nonsensical post-post-modern furniture made with complex angles that you’re told you can sit on but can tell by the tone of voice of your host that you’d better not fucking sit there, and a rigorous feeling that you’re a hopelessly inadequate street urchin compared to your sumptuous, perfectionist hosts, Larry and Chris.
Bottom line: Gay homes should diabolically luxurious Martha Stewart hellscapes. Anything less, and folks are disappointed.
Andy and I are awesome gays, don’t get me wrong. I wear skinny pants and Andy is King of the Gym. But, we’re not particularly fancy. Yes, we have a pink theme in our bathroom, but we generally don’t give a shit if you take your shoes off or not, most of our stuff is hand-me-down or bought cheaply at Ikea, and our living room is built for comfort with two huge, mismatching couches.
So when we entertain, we’ve noticed we feel pressured to amp up our fabulousness to fit the fancy gay couple stereotype. Fortunately, we’ve found a few handy ways to bullshit our way through an evening with friends.
1. Buy This Martini Shaker
It tells you how make all the basic fancy drinks you’ll need to make by marking the alcohol levels in each cocktail. So you can ask Donna and Tom if they want a delicious cosmo, because Donna loves her gay friends and wants to feel sassy with a sassy drink, and then run to the kitchen in a panic, consult the side of your shaker, and make them a semi-decent cosmo. And then you can return to the living room with two pink martini glasses on top of your stupidly frou-frou-ed up serving tray, and Donna’s eyes will light up and she’ll be like “You guys should be allowed to get married. It’s just wrong.” And you can be like “We know, gurl. Have you seen our French lanterns? We got them at Room & Board.”
2. Buy a Fuckload of Fair Trade Dark Chocolate, Put A Piece On Every Plate
Fuck if I know how to decorate a plate of food. I’m too busy playing Skyrim to Google appetizer arrangement, so I just run to Whole Foods in a panic, buy any kind of dark chocolate with an African country on the wrapper or that’s made with something really weird and stupid like quinoa or sakay and then rush home and break it into pieces and it put a couple pieces on the corner of every plate of food. The cheese and cracker tray? Carrot sticks and celery tray? Doesn’t matter. Throw some dark chocolate on there like you’re putting a mole on Marilyn Monroe’s face and everyone will be crazy impressed. And then you can talk about the importance of free trade chocolate, or your favorite percentage of cacao, and your guests will be like “Wow, these gays be fancy as fuck, just like I want them to be. They should be able to get married.”
3. Say That Anything Ugly In Your Home is From A Country That Doesn’t Exist Anymore
That chunky, half-broken chair that looks like you got it at your grandma’s garage sale (which you did)? It’s from Czechoslovakia circa 1966. That Target rug with the ice cream stain? Persian. Those clay bowls your mom made in her summer pottery class? Byzantine chic. If your guests get too fixated on one of your ugly pieces, point them to the most expensive-looking thing in the room that isn’t a video game system and talk about how it was the last of a limited edition series at Willams Sonoma (even though your mom probably made it in her quilting class).
4. Neon Straws
Put them in everything. EVERYTHING. Cocktails, water, your Trader Joe’s hummus that you lied about and said you got from Whole Foods, your houseplants, your cat’s collar, the toilet bowl, your belt loops, everywhere. Oh look how fun these are! Neon straws! YAY STRAWS WE’RE ALL HAVING A GOOD TIME!
5. Start Every Other Sentence With “Well, When WE Go To Galas…”
Fancy gays to to galas. Just saying the word “gala” makes you appear 172% more fabulous. Spinning some story about meeting Andy Cohen or Jesse Tyler Ferguson at an equality gala will make you look 805% more fabulous.
“That broken basket on your TV stand is really interesting? Did you get it at Marshall’s?”
“It’s from Kampuchea, actually.”
“Wow. I swear we saw the same one at Marshall’s yesterday.”
“Well, Donna, when WE go to galas, we like to think of our Kampuchean basket collection and donate to Southeast Asian LGBT Orphan Funds.”
“Where are your other Kampuchean baskets?”
“Oh hey who wants another neon straw in their cosmo? I know you do, Donna, you crazy bitch. You’re totally the Samantha!”